When making a choice, I'm the kind of person who looks at all the options. I'm a planner. I have to have a pretty good idea what the outcome will be like for any possible choice I make when I am faced with a decision. This is the case at home, with my kids, at work...there aren't many things I do without a lot of thinking and weighing heavy on my heart, as well as taking it to God in prayer for guidance. I make pro/con lists...I put it into Excel spreadsheets...I brainstorm...I don't go into any big decision lightly.
Today, I found out that the information I had in making a huge decision in the past was actually not correct...
I went to the gynecologist this morning for my annual physical. I just picked a new doctor, and she was reviewing my records from my old doctor and the hospital when I had Pumpkin Pie.
She said “So, you had your third child prematurely due to a …” and I expected her to say “incompetent cervix” which is what I have been told, but she didn’t say that…she said “due to a raging acute infection in your placenta.”
Those words have never been uttered to me at any time since Pumpkin Pie was born prematurely. I saw my OB/Gyn often in the months following Pumpkin Pie's birth, and he never once told me that any pathology reports came back abnormal.
As I am processing this information, it hits me that my husband had a vasectomy to keep us from having any more children due to my so-called incompetent cervix, because, we, as compassionate, caring individuals, didn't want another child to have to suffer through what Pumpkin Pie suffered through after his birth. But in reality, the likelihood that I would have another premature baby is low because the chance of the same infection occurring is next to nothing.
I have now taken away any chance of ever having any other children with my husband and I am ONLY 28 YEARS OLD!?!?!?
I...We...didn't make this choice lightly. We were told all about cerclages to fix an incompetent cervix if we ever did decide to have any more children, and we thought about it and decided that the risk was too great. I didn't have the desire to spend any time on bed rest, especially with three other children to care for. We didn't want to risk having another baby in the NICU and dividing time between home and the hospital. After dealing with one sick child, and making it to the other side, closer to normalcy, we figured we'd just count ourselves extremely lucky and very blessed, and get on with our lives, raising our three boys.
I've told people that I'm happy knowing I'm never going to have to worry about getting pregnant, having morning sickness, labor and delivery, late nights with no sleep, diapers...but it wasn't true. I wasn't happy about it at all. I accepted it, because based on the information I had, it was best for us.
The truth is, I'd love to be pregnant again. I'd love to try for a daughter, just one more time. Experience an entire 9 month pregnancy, just once more. Get past the morning sickness and enjoy the fun part, like feeling the baby kick, and waddling around like I have a big basketball under my shirt for a few months...
I know what you're thinking...all hope is not lost. Hubby can get his vasectomy reversed. But the fact of the matter is, he had a really hard time recovering from his vasectomy due to a previous trauma he had, and I would never ask him to go through a reversal, no matter how badly I want to have another child.
There are other ways...sperm donors, etc...but all of that takes a lot of money, and I would feel really selfish taking money for that when the other 3 kids we already have don't deserve to go without just so we can have another child.
So, here I am again, at the door to acceptance. I haven't gone through yet...I'm still processing the news I received today. Still kicking myself for making a permanent decision that I didn't have to make. No one told us to run out and get a vasectomy. We only thought we were making the right decision...a choice that, had we not made it, we'd still be able to afford another child today. This hurt will fade, and I will be accepting of the choices we made, only this time, it will not be the kind of acceptance that one has because its the right choice to make. The acceptance will be for something I cannot change.