A Newfound Desire

When we had our first son, I was absolutely thrilled. I knew having a boy was going to be a blast. With the other two, I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t just the slightest twinge of disenchantment that one of them wasn’t a girl. But I moved on, and of course I wouldn’t trade any of my boys for anything in the world. They are truly the light of my life, the blessing that makes me happy to wake up in the morning and see their cute little faces. I figured that God gave me sons for a reason…probably because I’m not the girliest girl and I might have done some disservice to a daughter once she got to an age where she wanted me to be able to fix her hair and do her makeup, two areas where I am most severely deficient. And Clint seemed to have absolutely no desire to have a daughter whatsoever…he was actually quite happy that none of our children were girls, so he wouldn’t have to worry about any of that stuff that fathers with daughters have to worry about. After going through everything we went through with Jackson, I knew I didn’t want to chance going through pregnancy and possible preterm childbirth again, so I don’t have any regrets at all about Clint having had the vasectomy. I thought I was all done, and never again would I even think of wanting a bigger family...However, I’ve recently become very aware of the fact that I WANT A DAUGHTER!!!
It feels like I have been bombarded with images of quite a few people I know having absolutely beautiful baby girls, and that every movie I’ve watched recently has ended with the star of the movie finding happiness with a daughter…movies that left me practically bawling in my seat, painfully conscious of the fact that I very terribly want a baby girl…a longing that is quickly becoming a thought that consumes my mind constantly and causes heart aching like I have never really experienced...I thought I was all alone in this thinking, but Clint seems to want one too! I couldn’t even concentrate in small group one night while I watched him play with another couple’s daughter. He seems like he would really enjoy having a “daddy’s girl”…We talked about it the other evening and for the first time he was actually open to the idea and he was so very understanding of my feelings about all of it. We came to an agreement that we weren’t going to do anything about it until Jackson gets older, because we are afraid he would have a hard time adjusting to it anytime soon. But good grief…that doesn’t keep me from perusing the adoption websites every chance I get…plus I’ve been looking at bigger houses because Lord knows we already need a bigger house…I know I have to be patient, but that’s never been one of my strong suits either…Right now I'm just praying that God grants me the strength to be patient and that he guards my heart so that I don't just absolutely lose my mind thinking about how we are going to get a daughter.